My first STD was from a foam party
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
