if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
