he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
