omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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