you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
