my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
