I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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