Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
