yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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