I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
