just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Randomize
