and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
