Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
