Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
