I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Im part way to drunk.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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