They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
