just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
