she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
