Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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