My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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