I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
