dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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