I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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