i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Holy sore nipples Batman
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
