No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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