I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
