the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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