she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I am naked and annoyed.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
