I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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