and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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