you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
