I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
