I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Randomize
