using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
