Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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