I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
