I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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