how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
