How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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