I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
