You're a womanizer and a bitch.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
