WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
