Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
