Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
