you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
