She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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