Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
