I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
