I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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