Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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